A blog dedicated to the researchers who dyed a captured chimp's fur pink, then released it. The other chimps promptly tore it to pieces.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Zogby brings up the "I" word

In a sign of the continuing partisan division of the nation, more than two-in-five (42%) voters say that, if it is found that President Bush did not tell the truth about his reasons for going to war with Iraq, Congress should hold him accountable through impeachment. While half (50%) of respondents do not hold this view, supporters of impeachment outweigh opponents in some parts of the country.

No Bounce: Bush Job Approval Unchanged by War Speech; Question on Impeachment Shows Polarization of Nation; Americans Tired of Divisiveness in Congress—Want Bi-Partisan Solutions—New Zogby Poll

I'm looking forward to watching conservatives and their toadies try to spin this one. Who'da suspected so many people hated America?

Do you think Poppy ever wonders to himself?

"I'm a real war hero, goddamnit - where the hell is my action figure?"

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Exactly how does this work, anyway?

We've got the camps. (Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, etc.) We've got the propagandists defending the government's "right" to have the camps. (Malkin, Coulter, Limbaugh, etc.) We've got the calls for extermination based on race and/or religion. (any Internet message board)

So do we have to actually gas somebody before we can legitimately be called Nazis, or do we get points for coming close?

Just askin'.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

The mighty hunter, a classic updated for today's audiences

A conservative decides to go out hunting for bear one day. He goes all through the woods searching for his idea of the perfect bear.. after searching for hours he finally comes upon one. He takes aim, shoots, and misses. The bear turns around and proceeds to chase him down.

The bear gets him down and is about to swat his head off when the bear says, "Why, I oughtta...but I won't: If you blow me." Well, the conservative isn't interested in dying today so he blows the bear and the bear lets the conservative go home.

The conservative gets home and is appalled that he actually did this. "I'm gonna kill that sonuvabitch!" He goes back to the woods.

He goes all through the woods again and finally finds the bear. This time, he's very careful. He gets the bear in his sights...very careful..fires..and just nicks the bear in his ear. The bear turns around and chases him down again.

The bear gets him down and is about to swat his head off when the bear says, "Why I oughtta...but I won't, if you blow me." The conservative says to himself: "Death, blow a bear, death..." So he blows the bear and goes home.

Now the conservative is VERY upset. Now he's blown a bear TWICE! "No one's gonna find out about this. I'm gonna kill that sunuvabitch!!" He goes back into the woods.

After searching for hours again, he finds the bear. Takes aim, fires, and he hits the bear in the chest--but the bear didn't die. It turns around and chases him down.

The bear gets him down and is about to swat his head off when the bear says, "Why I oughtta...hey, you don't come out here for the hunting, do ya?"

Classic tastelessness

Three pregnant women were sitting in the doctor's office waiting for their regular checkup. Each of them was quietly knitting away, not talking.

All of a sudden an alarm goes off and the first woman puts down her knitting and takes out a tablet, swallows it and smiles at the other women. "Iron" she says "Good for the mother, good for the baby." And she continues to knit.

About ten minutes later another alarm goes off and the second woman puts down her knitting and takes out a tablet. She smiles at the other women and says "Calcium, good for the mother, good for the baby." Again she continues to knit.

Another ten minutes go by when the third woman's alarm goes off. She puts down her knitting and takes a tablet. The two other women look at her and she says "Thalydomide, I hate knitting sleeves."

A moldie oldie from the PC vault

This Jewish fellow was attending an affair at his temple when he met up with this older woman whom he had known for a long time.

She says to him: "Vere you been dollink?"

He replies: "I vas avay."

She asks: "So vere you vuz?".

He answers: "I vuz in prison."

She looks at him and asks: "Vy vuz you in prison?"

He answers: "For moidering mine vife."

She takes a long look at him and says: "So now you're single?"

Tired of hearing cons ask "What's dem/lib plan?"

Next time, tell 'em:

MY plan is to make sure the clueless fucks who got us into this mess never again get to make a decision more complicated than "Would you like fries with that?"

Devil's Dictionary

Necessary Evil - something bad that happens to somebody else you either don't know or don't like.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Clue Train is heading for Redmond!

Microsoft Offers to 'Block' Windows Server 2003 SP1
Microsoft made available on Tuesday a "Blocker tool kit" that will allow companies to temporarily disable automatic downloads of Windows Server 2003 Service Pack 1.

Free clue for Microsoft: most competent administrators don't have automatic updates enabled on production servers. If you do, you deserve to have your servers crash and/or your apps stop working.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

To all the kids who have no dad thanks to Bush

We're sorry we didn't work harder to defeat Bush and his party. If we had, your dad might still be alive. We'll try to do better next time.

The Real Americans


Saturday, June 18, 2005

Popular Jewish joke in Russia some years ago

Long meat line in wintertime. Butcher comes out at 7 am: 'We don't expect to get very much meat today. Dirty Jews, go home.'

A few hapless people leave the line and go home. Butcher comes out again at 10 am: 'We will be getting much less than we expected. Only good communist party members stay in line; the rest go home.'

A lot of grumbling people leave the line and go home. Butcher comes out again at 2 pm: 'We got very, very little, and it all went to the black market. Everybody go home.'

So one frozen communist turns to another frozen communist and says: 'These damn Jews always get the best deal.'

Friday, June 17, 2005

Like a kid who can't stop picking at a scab

JEB! refuses to let Terri Schiavo die.

Proving once again that a dog always returns to his vomit. If there's political hay to be made, people like JEB! will do whatever it takes.

Hebert and Boudreaux

Hebert, sitting on the porch of his houseboat, drinking his coffee, sees Boudreaux paddling his pirogue down the bayou.

"Boudreaux", Hebert hollered, " Where you goin dis mornin?"

Boudreaux,paddling closer, "I'm goin get dem duck."

Hebert, looking in the boat, "How you gonna get dem duck? You don't got no gun. All you got is some tape."

Boudreaux, "Dats some duck tape. I'm stretch dat tape on de water, and when dem duck come and land, they feet get tangle up. Den all I got to do is break they neck and put dem in de boat."

Hebert, "Man you crazy."

Later that morning, Hebert sees Boudreaux paddling his boat back up the bayou, loaded with ducks.

Hebert says to himself, "Well, I'll be damn."

The following morning, Hebert, again, sitting on the porch of his houseboat, drinking his coffee, sees Boudreaux paddling his pirogue down the bayou.

"Boudreaux", Hebert hollered, "Where you goin dis mornin?"

Boudreaux, paddling closer, "I'm goin get dem gators."

Hebert, "How you gonna get dem gators? You don't got no net. All you got is some pop."

Boudreaux, "Dats not pop, dats Gator-Aid. I'm pour dat on de side of de boat, and when dem gators come up to drink, bam, I'm hit dem wit my hatchet and pull dem in de boat."

Hebert, "Man you gonna get youself kill!"

Later that morning, Hebert sees Boudreaux paddling his boat back up the bayou. Boat fixing to sink because there's so many gators in it.

Hebert again, "Well, I'll be damn."

The following morning, Hebert is up early, to be sure he don't miss Boudreaux.

Just about the time it starts to get light, Hebert sees what looks like a pile of driftwood floating down the bayou.

As it gets closer, Hebert sees the top of Boudreaxu's head over the pile, and his hands out the side, paddling the pirogue.

"Boudreaux", Hebert hollered. "Where you goin wit all dem sticks?"

Boudreaux, "Dat ain't no sticks. Dats some Pussy Willow."

Hebert, "Hold it right der! I'll get my hat."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Not even at work for half an hour . . .

. . . and I've already spoken to the Idiot of the Day:

Luser: This computer you sent us won't power on.
Me: Check the back - sometimes there's a rocker switch on the power supply.
Luser: Where?
Me: On the power supply - where the round grill and the fan are.
Luser: There's no switch - just a hole with some prongs sticking out.
Me: You mean the receptacle where the power cord connects?
Luser: (long silence) Oh . . .

Sometimes you can actually hear them blush over the telephone.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Answers to yesterday's technospeak quiz

If you missed it, click here to view then use your browser's back button to return to the answers. No fair peeking!.

  1. Birds of a feather flock together.
  2. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  3. Beauty is only skin deep.
  4. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
  5. Don't cry over spilled milk
  6. All that glitters is not gold.
  7. Where there's smoke there's fire.
  8. Beggars can't be choosers.
  9. Virtue is its own reward.
  10. Dead men tell no tales.
  11. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
  12. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
  13. He who laughs last laughs best.
  14. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
  15. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Limerick Wars

Recent limericks posted at Sadly, No! reminded me of this classic:
There once was a young man from Sparta,
Who was an exceptional farta'.
He could fart anything
From "God Save the King"
To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

He'd do a gavotte for a starta'
Then work up to the "Coffee Cantata".
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's "B-Minor Mass"
And, in counterpoint, "La Traviata".

Are you fluent in technospeak? [ABFTP]

TEST your ability to translate technospeak by deciphering the

  1. Avian species of identical plumage congregate.
  2. Freedom from incrustations of noxious substances is contiguous with conformity to divine prescription.
  3. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
  4. A superannuated canine is immune to indoctrination in innovative maneuvers.
  5. Ululate not over precipitated lactal secretion.
  6. All that coruscates with resplendence will not assay auriferous.
  7. The existence of visible vapors from ignited carbonaceous materials confirms conflagration.
  8. Mendicants are interdicted from elective recipiency.
  9. Probity gratifies reflexively.
  10. Male cadavers are unyielding of testimony.
  11. Inhabitants of vitreous edifices ill-advisedly catapult petrous projectiles.
  12. Ergonomia exclusive of diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous progeny.
  13. He who cachinnates ultimately, cachinnates optimally.
  14. Abstention from speculatory undertaking precludes attainment.
  15. Missiles of ligneous and of nonmetallic mineral consistency have the potential to fracture my osseous structure, but malicious appellations are eternally innocuous.

Answers tomorrow.

Tonight on "Get A Rope!" with Nancy Grace . . .

. . . "The One That Got Away" has Nancy in tears over the unfairness of it all.

Entertainment at its best.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Gospel According to Majikthise

And now, our Sermonette:
[Solarin] paints an interesting analogy from a childhood memory.He made a long journey with his mother once, who gave him a "bicycle" to help him finish the journey--which was really just a wheel he had to hit with a stick to keep it going. He says that without the "bicycle" he would never have made the forty mile walk, but upon reflection he realized that he had really carried himself and the bicycle all along. Religion is like that bicycle, Tai says. We only need it when we lack the confidence and determination to face the world alone.

Richard Carrier, Tai Solarin: His Life, Ideas, and Accomplishments, 1995.

Can I get a "Amen!" please?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

"Give me 30 weight or give me death!" just doesn't have that ring to it.

Commenter Buck Fush at Sadly, No! points to a Guardian article about the US negotiating with Iraq insurgents.
A US embassy official in Baghdad said efforts were under way to "engage" elements of the resistance in an apparent softening of the Bush administration's opposition to negotiations.

"In order to achieve stability and [an] end to the insurgency and stop Iraqis from being killed in large numbers, the insurgency has to be addressed," the official told reporters.

This brings up an interesting point - that people who are fighting because fighting's their only option are damn tough to beat. You can kill them, but you cannot easily defeat them, no matter how much bullshit you feed yourself about being a Hero of Democracy and Bringing Freedom to the World.

A word of caution to the insurgents: don't put too much faith in what you're told by US authorities. They don't have much of a track record on keeping their word. Just ask a Native American, if you can find one.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Meanwhile, back at Cluelessness Central . . .

While American Street's eRobin tries to drum up interest in feeding hungry people, Kansas Citians take their dogs out to eat at fancy restaurants.
At last month's McCormick & Schmick's event, a parade of pooches ranging from Chihuahuas to grand mastiffs dined with their masters on the patio overlooking 47th Street.

These pups ate well. Their choices included “yappetizers” with spinach-yogurt dipping sauce, seashell candies made from carob and vanilla and “oysters and pearls”: a carob clam cookie and a dog-safe truffle, called a “ruffle.”

Putting on the dog
Every dog has its day
Dogs' night out
Star Magazine 06/05/05

I'll freely admit to spoiling my cats with the occasional table scrap, but taking a dog to a fancy restaurant? Particularly while people are going hungry? Please.

The Sunday magazine version had a bunch of color pictures of pampered pooches chowing down with their oblivious owners that were enough to make you puke.

It's fortunate indeed for these people that Jesus isn't real. Would you want to be the one who has to explain something like this to him on Judgment Day?

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Another BFTP - The definition of a fundy

Date : 11/19/92 08:54
Number : 23848 of 25019
Subject : The definition of a fundy
Conference : 503 - Flame -Fido

In a msg of <11/17/92, 23:30>, David Clifton wrote to All:

Co>> could someone please explain to me what the fuck are
Co>> fundies?..

Courtesy of Marty Leipzig...

FUNDIE (fun'dee) n. and adj. (Var. Fundy; pls. Fundies, Fundys),
A member of an American conservative religious movement that believes
in biblical inerrancy. This movement had its roots in the
nineteenth-century orthodox reaction to the higher (historico-
literary) criticism of the Bible that originated among European
theologians and was accepted by American "modernists".
Fundamentalism owes its name to the "Five Fundamentals", a list of
five beliefs that the Presbyterian General Assembly drew up in 1910
as being essential to the Christian faith. Among those fundamentals
was the doctrine of biblical inerrancy.

Fundies (scientifically: Homo nesciens idiotus) come in two
varieties; (about more later) but are united by the belief that each
and every word ("jot and tittle") of the Holy Writ (at least, their
latest authorized version) is unequivocally true. When they find a
text convenient to an argument, it is quotable as the ultimate truth.
But when confronted with an apparent contradiction, however rational
and logical, they sail away upon the wings of a symbol, an analogy of
hidden or recondite significance.

Although two separate and distinct "kinds" of fundies exist,
(H.n.i. var. ruralensis and H.n.i. var. urbanensis), they can be
typically identified by their ubiquitous possession of a heavily
thumped (but seldom read) Bible; an almost cataleptic and
unquestioned adherence to dated dogma and the extraordinarily
annoying ability of being able to interject their own personal
version of ethics and morality into almost any subject, no matter how
abstruse. As a group, they are exasperatingly uni-dimensional.

H.n.i. var. ruralensis can typified as a backwoods rustic living
among the 'possums, 'coons, 'dillos and magnolias who is functionally
illiterate. Though some may become transplanted to more municipal
settings; they stubbornly adhere to old habits: mouth breathing,
barefootedness and brainless Bible-based bleating.

A macroevolutionary jump (although most would argue that it is
really a regressive event) is responsible for the other variety:
H.n.i. var. urbanensis. They arose from their humbler cousins in the
deep, dark, dank backwoods but have evolved to exploit the trophism
of bright lights, television cameras, teleprompters and wireless
communication. Basically, a member of this group can be described as
a country bumpkin of the wacko-right turned religious zealot and
usually named Billy, Jimmy, Oral or some other familiar sobriquet.
They drape the mantle of Christian piety around their shoulders
(which they carefully interweave with the American flag), and
stomping off on a witch hunt; ferret out "fellow travelers", "one-
worlders", that archenemy of all right thinking people: the "secular
humanist", and other assorted bogeymen. With a primitive view of
this world and a psychedelic view of the next, they harangue lost
sinners (and those with the ability to think for themselves) in an
impassioned and declamatory style to "REPENT!" and be born again.
Ranting and raving; and spouting smoke, fury, fire, brimstone and
stained glass blather; they pace whatever stage they can usurp like a
whirling dervish with a caffeine addiction. The venue may change,
but the song always remains the same.

Usually, such narrowly unspecialized organisms as the ones cited
above represent an evolutionary dead-end. In these cases, though, it
is more of a U-turn.

--- GoldED 2.40.P0720+ #1079
* Origin: All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand... (1:226/430.4)

Date : 11/19/92 08:54

Wonko Loves You! (a blast from the past)

Original author unknown


Wonko the Magic Elf, lord and creator of the universe loves you.

Yes, even you, you pathetic boob. Wonko loves everyone. Wonko loves you so much he wants to make you an offer you can't refuse. Wonko says "BELIEVE IN ME OR I WILL TORTURE YOU FOREVER".

There, you heard it. Isn't that a wonderful offer? I am here to preach the GOOD NEWS of the death and resurrection of Wonko.

You have been made the offer of a lifetime. If you refuse, Wonko will send you to WONKO'S POOL HALL when you die. You scoff, you miserable unbeliever, but it is true. How do I know it is the TRUTH? Because Wonko says it is!

Verse 1567, line 42 of the Revealed Holy Wisdom of Wonko: "YOU CAN BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH".

See, Wonko would never lie to you. You have no excuses anymore. Accept Wonko right here and now as your personal savior and lord, OR BURN FOREVER IN WONKO'S POOL HALL!!

And, Wonko's Pool Hall is no ordinary pool hall. Nosirree Bob! Not a chance. Wonko promises you this: The flames are ten times hotter than hell. The demons are ten times nastier, and THE ETERNITY IS TEN TIMES LONGER!

Wonko will never let you go. Wonko loves you, but he is a deranged sadist who will torture you ten times worse than any dead Jew on a stick could even dream of in his worst nightmares if you refuse him.

Lord Wonko wants to make a bet with you. A kind of wager. Dare you refuse?

You can go on believing in your imaginary, impotent, powerless dead Jew, or you can accept Wonko. Wonko could never be crucified. He's too damn MEAN AND ORNERY TO EVEN LET YOU TRY! Wonko would have rammed that cross up Pilate's ass the microsecond he started waving it around. Put that in your empty sepulcher and smoke it, Christ boy!

Just think, is it too much to ask to BELIEVE? And look at the consequences if you are wrong. INFINITE TORTURE FOR TEN ETERNITIES IN A PIT OF FIRE SO AWFUL EVEN DANTE COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE IT! How dare you refuse?

Are you man enough to accept the loving kindness of the living Wonko into your heart? Or will you walk away into the dark night of the absence of Wonko? It is UP TO YOU. Wonko has given you free will just so you have no excuse for refusing him, in the full knowledge of what a pitiful slave and puppet you really are.

Remember, this is no ordinary Wonko. I am here to tell you this is THE NECESSARY WONKO! The one and only infinite being who set the universe in motion.

Wonko also performs BETTER MIRACLES THAN JESUS. Wonko laughs at wine. Wonko can turn water into SINGLE MALT SCOTCH. Wonko doesn't just walk on water. WONKO JOGS OVER THE ENTIRE PACIFIC OCEAN EVERY SINGLE DAY. Wonko didn't rise from the dead once. WONKO RISES FROM THE DEAD EVERY SINGLE MORNING, with a skull splitting hangover that makes Hiroshima look like a wet fire cracker, so you better just watch your ass around Wonko. Can Jesus do that? Wonko picks Jesus out of his nose.

Beware of false Wonkos. There is only one true dead and resurrected living Wonko the son of Wonko. In the name of Wonko the Father, Wonko the Son and Wonko the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Wonko bless you. Kyrie Eleiawonko.

I beg you to think. Any day, even today, you could be walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, a careening out of control, giant 18 wheel semi, with a passed out alcoholic driver could come screaming out of nowhere and leave you lying in the road with your guts spread all over to hell and gone,
without even a chance to beg Wonko for forgiveness. And BOOM, there you are, right in the middle of Wonko's pool hall, being doused with KC masterpiece barbecue sauce by Wonko's giggling, sadistic minions and roasted over a fire that makes the heart of a main sequence blue-white giant feel like a cool breeze.

Take the Wonko pledge today. Tomorrow may be too late.

I am a miserable pathetic lousy little boob of a sinner.
I am completely incapable of taking responsibility for
my own life. I have no hope, no future and no brain. I
pledge to let Wonko be my lord and master forever and
(sign here if you know how to write)

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Loonan asks "Was Mark Felt really a hero?"

The Legend of Deep Throat

I couldn't say whether Felt was a hero. But there's no doubt in my mind that Peggers is a raving lunatic who, in any sane society, would be restrained for her own protection.