A blog dedicated to the researchers who dyed a captured chimp's fur pink, then released it. The other chimps promptly tore it to pieces.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Who Wants to Marry a Moron?

First Lady Makes Her Reality TV Debut

First lady Laura Bush made her reality TV debut Tuesday, helping with a taping of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" in a sweltering community building as she toured hurricane relief sites on the Mississippi coast.

Join our contestant as she tries for big prizes by attempting to convince our studio audience - and you playing along at home - that her husband really isn't an incompetent idiot despite all the evidence to the contrary.

More haterade, anybody?

I'm celebrating, because I've just earned the title of official racist hate site by linking to Stacey Campfield's blog.
How about every person who called me a racist and a hate site. By golly they almost all link directly to my site. They are now and forever will be an official racist hate site.

Are You A Hate Site? - Camp4u

Taking the "I know you are, but what am I?" tactic to a whole new level, Stacey's argument seems to be that anyone who links to his racist hate site is a racist hate site themselves.

Of course, Stacey's site (or "sight" as he also calls it) isn't really a racist hate site. It's more like a complete dumbass site. Among other idiocies, Stacey brings up the "7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game he played back in junior high - undoubtedly the dumbass version of the "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game popularized on the Internet some years back.

You may recall Stacey as the right-wing whackjob Tennessee legislator who wanted to join his state's black caucus. Stacey upped the ante over the weekend by posting excerpts from Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speach in an attempt to show how he was being discriminated against by not being allowed to join a black political group, despite the fact that he isn't, you know, black.

The ensuing uproar caused Stacey to have to disable comments on his blog because mean people were leaving nasty comments. This is really a shame, because as Stacey notes:

I tried to allow wide birth on peoples opinion.

Probably a good thing, though, because the comments Stacey would be getting after comparing the black caucus to the KKK most likely wouldn't be family reading.

I predict a spot for Stacey on Democratic Underground's Top 10 Conservative Idiots list this week. He's a shoe-in.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Somehow this seems oddly appropriate

WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court shed its staid image Tuesday, giving stripper-turned Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith a new chance at a piece of the fortune of her 90-year-old late husband.

The court said it would hear arguments early next year as part of Smith's effort to collect as much as $474 million from the estate of J. Howard Marshall II. The oil tycoon married her in 1994 when he was 89 and she was 26.

Supreme Court Takes Up Anna Nicole Case

So I guess it really is a whore court . . .

Lynndie England gets three years

FORT HOOD, Texas (Reuters) - Lynndie England, the U.S. soldier pictured holding a leash to a naked Iraqi inmate at Abu Ghraib prison in a scandal that prompted global outrage, was sentenced on Tuesday to three years in prison and given a dishonorable discharge.

Lynndie England sentenced to 3 years in prison

This would be a fair sentence if only Rummy were getting 50 years and Bush and Cheney 75 each.

As I've said all along, though - don't worry about Lynndie. She has a great career as a pro domme waiting once she gets out of the slammer. All those sexually frustrated young conservative guys will pay big bucks to be dressed in panties and led around on a leash by a stern young woman in uniform.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Backseat Driver Syndrome

Wolcott and Gilliard both trash yesterday's anti-war protest because too many left-wing whackos participated.

You know, any time you boys have a better idea, please speak right up.

Take your time - it's not like people are dying or anything.

Not even Goebbels could spin this

Looks like the results are in from the big anti-war vs. pro-war dueling protests over the weekend. Read 'em and weep, cons:
About 400 people gathered near a stage on an eastern segment of the mall, a large patchwork American flag serving as a backdrop. Amid banners and signs proclaiming support for U.S. troops, several speakers hailed the effort to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan and denounced those who protest it.

About 400 people. But what about yesterday's ANTI-war protest?
Sheehan was among the speakers at Saturday's rally near the Washington Monument on the western part of the mall, an event that attracted an estimated 100,000 people.

Damn, 100,000 people! Wow! Let's look at that again, shall we? Pro-war:
About 400 people gathered near a stage on an eastern segment of the mall, a large patchwork American flag serving as a backdrop. Amid banners and signs proclaiming support for U.S. troops, several speakers hailed the effort to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan and denounced those who protest it.

And Anti-war:
Sheehan was among the speakers at Saturday's rally near the Washington Monument on the western part of the mall, an event that attracted an estimated 100,000 people.

You know, if I were a conservative, I think I'd get started right now bracing myself for the results of next year's elections. It's not going to be pretty.


Hell hath no fury like a Brownie scorned

From Jane at firedoglake comes this extremely interesting little tidbit:
And now I will leave you to guess where this bit of gossip came from, because I promised not to tell. But one of the above-mentioned folks called me this afternoon to say that according to sources within the Enquirer itself, the source for Bush's drinking story is -- an incredibly pissed-off, recently scapegoated head of a federal agency who thinks that BushCo. done him wrong.

So many possibilities, but I'm going with ol' "Great Job!" Brownie as the likely culprit. Probably figured his political career is finished anyway - might as well take a few of the bastards down with him.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

I didn't like her much at first

I liked my kittens cuddly and affectionate, and Bunny was wild as a march hare, almost feral. She came from a friend of a friend who lived right on the border between Long Beach and Compton - not a nice neighborhood at all. I'd gotten her for my wife, to keep her company in the evenings while I was at work. She spent most of her first week with us hiding under the refrigerator.

The vet told us we'd never tame her if she had a place to hide, so we finally had to force her out from under the fridge with a broomhandle and block the back of it so she couldn't get back there anymore. My wife was extraordinarily patient and kind with her, and she finally started to settle down.

Time passed, and Bunny grew less wild. She never completely lost that feral edge, though - you had to move carefully around her lest you provoke scratches and/or bites. She once walked across me while I slept, and savaged my hand when I reached out half-asleep to push her away. But she had her affectionate moments, too. She loved having her belly rubbed. And she absolutely adored having her stubby little stump of a tail scratched. (Bunny was a Manx - her rear end looked much like a rabbit's when she'd sit, which is why we called her Bunny)

More time passed. Bunny grew to be a mature cat, five years old. She rarely bit or scratched anymore, although she retained some of her former skittishness. She wouldn't have been good around children, but since both my wife's and my kids were grown before we even met, it wasn't an issue. Our little family, such as it was, was happy to be together.

And then Bunny stopped eating.

It was a couple of weeks before it got bad enough to take her to the vet. They kept her for observation. For an already insecure cat like Bunny, being caged away from her home was torment. We visited her every day. It didn't help. Finally, they sent her home, not because she was cured or getting better, but because there was nothing they could do for her. We'd taken her in on Sunday; they sent her home Friday, giving us the number of a local 24-hour "pet emergency" center in case things got worse before they reopened on Monday.

Things got worse. On Saturday morning, Bunny began acting very strangely. Our other cat, Mouse, had hissed and spat at Bunny and would have nothing to do with her when we brought her home from the vet. It was like Mouse somehow knew there was something wrong with Bunny. By that afternoon, we were in a panic, so we called the emergency center, who said to bring her in.

The next morning, the vet from the emergency center called. They still weren't sure exactly what was wrong, but Bunny was now blind. I was such an emotional wreck at that point that I actually babbled something like, "Blind? Okay, we can deal with that!" before I realized that healthy five-year-old cats don't just go blind. The vet started talking about CAT scans and brain surgery and thousands more in bills. We were already into them for close to a grand just for the overnight stay, so I told the vet we'd call them back once we decided what to do.

It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. My heart said "Damn the expense - second-mortgage the house, I don't care!" But my head said, "She's a cat. It's almost criminal to spend thousands of dollars to try to save a cat when children are dying." If there had been a guarantee, I'd probably have done it, but the vet was ethical enough to point out that even their best (and most expensive) efforts still might not save Bunny. So I somehow persuaded my wife that we were doing the right thing, and we called the emergency center back and said we'd come and pick up Bunny and bring her home.

The next twenty-four hours were hell. Bunny started having convulsions, every few hours at first, but growing more frequent. She still wouldn't eat or drink - they'd had her on IVs at the emergency center. She wouldn't use the litter box, peeing on the floor instead. If I put her in the box, she'd simply sit there meowing piteously until I picked her up again.

It seemed the only thing that comforted her was being held and petted, so I slept on the couch that night with Bunny lying on top of me. Toward morning, she woke me up by peeing on me. The convulsions had become more frequent by then, every hour, then forty-five minutes, then a half-hour. I know this is going to sound crazy, but several times I was able to quell the onset of her convulsions by cuddling her and talking to her. But by morning, it didn't work any more.

We called our vet's office - they didn't open until ten. But there was another vet just down the road who was open, so we took poor Bunny there to have her put to sleep. The people at the vet were incredibly kind and sensitive - I think they could see how torn-up we were. We petted Bunny and talked to her while the vet injected her with some ludicrously pink stuff. Seconds later, she was gone.

We took her home and buried her in the back yard, near the back gate where we'd frequently seen real bunnies playing. She still sleeps there today, with tulips planted on her grave so we'll be reminded of her when they bloom.

It's been almost six years since Bunny died, and I've never really been able to write about it before. I think what broke the dam was Wingnut John the Gardener's story about having his cat put to sleep. John's story brought tears to my eyes, but I now realize that I was crying for Bunny, not for John. Well, maybe a little for John's kitty. Pickle couldn't help that his master is a fuckhead.

Anyway, John talks about how he's unsure about getting another cat, and I know exactly how he feels. After Bunny, I wasn't sure I wanted to get a replacement, not that anything could ever really replace Bunny. Like John, I felt I needed time to heal from the loss of Bunny before I could even think about another cat. So it was kind of a surprise when about a month after we buried Bunny, my wife surprised me with O.C. (Other Cat - Orange Cat - Obnoxious Cat - hey, we didn't name him) He was about a year and a half old, and the gal we got him from had found him wandering half-starved, obviously lost or abandoned. Even today, he's never completely lost that feral edge - you have to move carefully around him lest you provoke scratches and/or bites, although he loves to curl up in your lap.

I didn't like him much at first . . .

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Amazing Adventures of Secret Shithead

Meet John Shelley. John runs a garden center in Pennsylvania.

John seems decent enough at first glance - gardeners tend to be gentle people. His site is filled with images of green growing things, and lots of information on how to grow them yourself. He even shares the truly touching tale of the recent death of his cat.

But John leads a secret life as a right-wing whackjob, as shown by this charming sentiment from the entry page to his online journal:

If you are a whining, hand-wringing, bed-wetting, liberal-demokkkRAT-progressive-socialist-fascist-commie-nazi-islamofascist, or are easily offended, leave now.

It gets worse:
Liberal-demokkkRAT Scumbags.
A judge this week, threw out a civil lawsuit filed against William Kennedy Smith (RAPIST-FL) by a former personal assistant who alleged he sexually assaulted her. Smith, the nephew of fat, slovenly, alcoholic, drug-addicted, murderous US Sen Edward "Chappaquiddick Swimmer" Kennedy (MURDERER-MA), has repeatedly denied he assaulted Audra Soulias. In 1991, a Florida jury acquitted Smith of sexual assault and battery on a 30-year-old woman he had met at a nightclub. He said his sexual relations with the woman had been consensual. Hmmmmmm, sure sounds like this Smith punk can't get any sex without force being used against the women. Typical liberal-demokkkRAT scumbag. Impeach the judge and execute Smith.

Then there's this delightful thought:
Some People Just Need Killing™.
American citizen Medea Benjamin, a leader of the anti-American group Code Pink, announced in Amman, Jordan this week that Code Pink, it's parent group Global Exchange and Families for Peace have donated $600,000 in aid to the 'other side' in the terrorist haven city of Fallujah in Iraq. The Benjamin bitch needs prompt execution for treason.

Starting to feel just a little less sympathy for his feline loss? Here, let me help you out:
With no publicly-discernable morals, values or mores, liberal-demokkkRATs are wildly floundering to re-establish and cement their position as obstructionist, America-hating, anti-US Military, liberal-progressive-demokkkRAT-socialist-commie-nazi-fascist, lowlife, subhuman, deviant, degenerate filth. Alcoholic Kennedy, Botox Pelosi, Dusty Reid, Obama Osama, UpChuck Schumer, Hitlery Rotten Klintoon, Boxer Shorts, KKK Byrd, Liar Kerry, Scream Dean, Krazy Kuchinich, Loser LIEberman, Lurch Kerry, Jumping Jeffords, AlGoreBore, Arlie Sphincter... I could go on and on and on and on.

And he does. On and on and on and on, until you're ready to puke.

I think the part that gets me the most is that this is a business website. Sure, there's no link from the main page to the jingo journal, but it's not that hard to find. I noticed he doesn't link directly to the journal from his kitty memorial page, which makes me wonder if one (or more) of his liberal customers gave him shit about it after reading the kitty story and then being blindsided by the hatefest.

Maybe there is a God after all.

The Mayor of Houston, who conservatives are carefully avoiding criticizing the way they did (black) New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, is named Bill White. And he really is, too. White as a mashed potato and mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder Bread, as the saying goes. Even better, White is also a Democrat.

If that's not God handing us a nice stout club to whack the conservatives with, I don't know what is.

Calendar screws conservatives yet again.

While poking around on the website of World Ahead Publishing, the right-wing whackjobs responsible for unleashing HELP! MOM! There are LIBERALS Under My Bed! on unsuspecting children everywhere, I found this little goodie:
. . . the head of World Ahead Publishing is asking the so-called "Peace Mom" to challenge her own anti-war beliefs by reading a recent book that defends the president's policies. The publisher is sending complimentary copies of Thank You, President Bush (hardback: $24.99; ISBN 0974670111)-an anthology written by the nation's most famous conservatives that defends the Bush Administration's policies-to the makeshift camp of Sheehan and her fellow protestors in Crawford, Texas.

Publisher Alleges "Peace Mom" Endangers Soldiers

Date of press release: August 30

Cindy Sheehan departs Camp Casey: August 31

So by the time the books arrive, there will be no one there to read them. The shipment will most likely be returned to the sender as undeliverable.

I'd be willing to bet this was the intention. This way, they get the publicity value of sending the books without having to actually give anything away, which would go against the selfishness and greed that are the foundation of modern conservative beliefs.

Can't remember where I saw this

But it wasn't The Onion or someplace you might expect. Unfortunately, this one's for real.
"As crass as they have been in exploiting the tragedy in the Gulf Coast," adds DeBrecht, "they have been equally aggressive in exploiting America's children. From pro-socialist stories like 'Rainbow Fish' to attacks on traditional values like 'King & King,' liberals have been pushing books with their extremist philosophy into our classrooms and school libraries unabated for years. Conservative parents have to do what they can to make sure their kids hear the other side of the story."

Although its official publication date is still a week away, "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" has already made waves in the typically staid world of children's publishing. The announcement of the book caused an uproar among liberal commentators, with many claiming the book teaches children to hate. The full-color illustrated story tells of two brothers who open a lemonade stand only to encounter a Ted Kennedy character who taxes away their profits and a pants-suit clad Hillary Clinton look-alike who outlaws sugary drinks.

Children's Author: Warn Kids About Liberals

Can you imagine the furor that would erupt if a liberal wrote a children's book that accused conservatives of being selfish and greedy?

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Conservatives and calendars - they just don't go together

Both of this blog's regular readers may recall my previous entry entitled The Ministry of Truth meets the Mighty Wurlitzer, on conservative attempts to blame Bill Clinton for events that happened during the administration of his predecessor.

They're still at it. Via Think Progress comes this little beauty:

Michael Reagan: First of all, I don’t think the president had anything to apologize for. FEMA was at Katrina quicker than they were at Andrew or Floyd or any one of the hurricanes you can name before that, when Bill Clinton was President of the United States. Nobody was calling for [Clinton FEMA director James Lee] Witt to be taken down. Nobody was calling on Bill Clinton to be thrown out of office because of it.

FACT: Hurricane Andrew happened under President George Herbert Walker Bush’s watch. The Hurricane hit in August 1992, months before Clinton was elected.

Michael Reagan’s Attempted Smear Disastrously Misinformed

At this point, I'm not sure whether we're talking willful ignorance, or just people who are too goddamned stupid to read a calendar.

Devil's Dictionary

Terrorism: when they try to kill us.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sedition For Dummies

Wanna really shake things up in next year's elections?

Vote out every incumbent - every single one, from Senators and Representatives all the way down to the motherfucking dogcatcher. It will send a strong message to the ones who didn't have to run this time that they'd better get their act together.

And hey - at least we'll see some new faces when we look back over our shoulders to see who's fucking us up the ass today.*

* Ass-fucking reference courtesy Wonkette - all rights reserved.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Tom Toles nails it

Clueless in Kansas City

Actually in Parkville, but since the letter was published in the Kansas City Star . . .

Meet Bush apologist Dana Stark, whose zeal to protect Bush and blame the local (Democratic) authorities for the feds' lousy response to Katrina leads to this question:

Where were the Louisiana National Guard troops?

Where indeed.

If you read my previous entry on Gomer and Cletus and thought, "He's exagerating - nobody could be that stupid," Dana should disabuse you of that notion.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Where do they come up with these fucking idiots?

From the comments at some wingnut blog:
See my blog for the definitive word on who is responsible for the relief effort.
Not "my take" or "my opinion" - "the definitive word" on the subject. This clown certainly has a high opinion of himself, doesn't he?

Yeah, that's where I always go to get the definitive word on just about anything - some bozo's blog. Best source on the planet.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Does this mean I've arrived?

My very first comment spam. What the hell is cd cover?

Official warning from the National Weather Service

The National Weather Service interrupts this blog to bring you an official warning: GOP and conservative spin around the nation is approaching Category 5 in a vain attempt to blame the Democrats for the poor federal response to Hurricane Katrina, despite the inarguable fact that the Republicans control pretty much everything on the federal level these days.

Extreme levels of spin and hot air should be expected, causing dry conditions in most areas and severely aggravating drought.

This has been an offical warning from the National Weather Service. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

. . .

"So what do you call yourselves?" asked the agent.

"The Bush Administration."

Monday, September 05, 2005

The Gomer and Cletus Factor

Kansas City, where I live, just went through a summer with both of the freeway approaches to downtown from across the river to the north blocked at the same time. That's right: both of them were scheduled for elective surgery - needed, but non-critical - at the same fucking time. The map below shows the downtown KC area (circled in red and labeled "Kansas City") with smaller red cirles showing the two closed bridges.

A fairly substantial percentage of KC's workers live in Clay (to the East) or Platte (to the West) Counties up north of the river. Having both freeway bridges closed threw these commuters onto city streets with speed limits as low as 25 MPH and stoplights/stopsigns at most corners. It literally added an hour or more to many commutes. (fortunately, although my commute takes me across the river, I'm going the other direction - it did give me a good look at the poor suffering bastards in their endless lines every morning, though)

This monumental fuckup is slightly mitigated by the fact that one project was straw-bossed by the State of Missouri and the other by the State of Kansas. But the two states certainly communicate with each other well enough to make sure they get things like sales tax for out of state vehicle buyers properly credited back. Why not for these much more important projects?

My wife and I have decided that this is what happens when you let Gomer and Cletus run things. Put a bunch of goddamn inbred sister-fucking hillbillies in charge of making the decisions, and can you really be surprised when you wind up with a clusterfuck? Whenever we see bureaucratic waste and government idiocy, we nod to each other and think "Gomer and Cletus!"

Anyway, it appears the entire country is now experiencing the Gomer and Cletus Factor on an epic scale. Hopefully we'll survive.

P.S. Think I'm being too hard on Gomer and Cletus? On the weekend of July 23, they scheduled road repair on Highway 169 leading to the Broadway Bridge across the Missouri. (you can see it at the bottom of the words "Burlington Northern" on the map) Highway 169 was the alternate route that gave the least exposure to city streets. So at a time when the alternate route is needed the most because both freeways are shut down, Gomer and Cletus close the alternate route for road work.

Not just morons, fucking morons.

Roberts for Chief Justice?

President Bush on Monday nominated John Roberts to succeed William H. Rehnquist as chief justice

One can only hope that Scalia and Thomas see this as the slap in the face it is, given their extensive experience and Roberts' lack of the same.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Interesting pattern in gas prices this week

Monday - $2.49
Tuesday - $2.65
Wednesday - $2.79
Thursday - $2.99
Friday - $3.26
Today - $2.99

(self-serve regular unleaded - 87 octane)

It's almost like they kept racheting up the price until people started screaming, then backed it off a bit. Another interesting point is that it's $2.99 almost everywhere today - the usual 10-15 cent or so fluctuations you get between one part of town and another don't seem to apply anymore.

That's gonna leave a mark . . .

The indomitable Steve Gilliard administers a well-deserved thrashing to the Whackosphere:
We have been screaming for two years that Bush and his team sucked. That they had no clue. They sent soldiers to be wounded in Iraq without armored anything. And you idiots cheered him on from the safety of your keyboards. We told you he was fucking up Iraq. But no, we supported Saddam, we were racist, we blamed America.

You say this isn't about politics? Fuck you, this IS politics, real time, real life politics, where the insanity of all your ideas are exposed to the world for the fraud that they are. Tax cuts kill. Ask the relatives of the dead of the Gulf Coast.

Well, motherfuckers, the alligators are feasting on dead nigger and there isn't an Iraqi in sight. And Bush is trying to gladhand his way through a mess which has stunned FOX reporters. I mean, Shepard Smith is calling Fox's talking heads liars ON THE AIR.

We told you so

As the saying goes, "Read the whole thing." I haven't seen a beat-down like that since the last Tyson fight.