.Found on a Yahoo message board:
George Washington - turns Continental Army away from Yorktown. Washington then orders the army to attack British possessions in the Caribbean, in an effort to show the King George III that the new United States will not be intimidated. Later, he parades a few captured British soldiers around and makes a speech about how much safer the country is under his wise leadership and how only disloyal Americans would criticize his war in the Caribbean.
Abraham Lincoln - removes the US Army at Gettysburg and gives speech quoting Jefferson Davis, who, after all, is a major threat to the nation. Orders US troops to attack Delaware, to show the Southern states who’s boss. Lincoln then goes on a political speaking tour to explain that although he lost Pennsylvania to the Confederacy, the other states are really much safer than they were in 1861.
Woodrow Wilson - responds to German torpedoing of American ships by ordering the US Army to attack German forces in South West Africa to scare Kaiser Wilhelm into surrendering. We’re safer fighting Germans over there than over here, says Wilson.
FDR - after Pearl Harbor and Germany's declaration of war, gives a speech to Congress in which he quotes the Emperor of Japan and Hitler, who might be growing powers that threaten us. Sends troops to Spain to depose Franco in an attempt to scare Hitler and other fascists around the world; civil war breaks out and US troops are caught in the middle. Hitler makes videos laughing at US incompetence, millions flock to the Nazi banner. FDR goes on speaking tour to explain that although there are now more fascists in the world than ever before, the US is really much safer with Franco out of the picture.
Following in the footsteps of these other great presidents, George W. Bush removes military resources from Afghanistan and the hunt for the person responsible for killing 3,000 Americans, gets the US caught in a massive quagmire in Iraq, turns the entire Muslim world against us, loses the support of many of our allies, and then tells the country how much safer we are.